As a new academic year begins, most parents have some great ideas for improvements their child needs to make at school over the next few terms.
Maybe we think “he needs to become more motivated, organised or independent” or “she needs to be more assertive, willing to engage or sociable”. Some of us want our children to take things more seriously, whilst other are hoping their child will take things less seriously and find a way to re-engage positively with school this year.
These goals for our children are very much about what our child needs to do. Let’s turn it around ….
Between the four of us at The Parent Team, we had different reasons for wanting to learn positive parenting strategies when our kids were young. None of us had the direct goal of improving our children’s academic outcomes but, as our kids are coming to the end of their academic journeys, we’re realising the approaches we took at home have been instrumental to their successes at school and university.
Stress exists on a continuum and too little or too much stress (distress) leads to inaction and hinders learning. The sweet-spot (eustress) is the optimum mix of risk and reward where our child is excited and alert and at peak learning.
This means our goal is not to remove all stress at home. It’s not about doing everything for our kids or never holding them to account. It is about minimising uncertainty by creating routines for daily tasks and by having a consistent approach to discipline so children aren’t constantly on the alert trying to find out what might happen and when. It’s also important that we remember to prioritise sleep, exercise and having fun, particularly when the academic stress is rising. Basic physical activities are a natural way to reduce the level of cortisol in our bodies. Too much cortisol over extended periods of time restricts the transfer of short-term learning to long-term memory. Effectively managing stress leads to more effective learning.
School today is inextricably linked to grades and results from feels like never-ending tests and exams. Teachers are trained to help your child achieve the best marks possible by teaching the appropriate curriculum and exam technique. At home, our job as parents is to nurture the underlying habits and attitudes that support our child’s learning.
The great news is that young kids are pretty much wired this way because this is how evolution has set us up to learn – from the world and others around us. When we encourage and acknowledge these habits or qualities in our kids, they get stronger.
So, yes, celebrate good marks and results when they come along, for sure. But keep offering praise, attention and positive feedback for the effort and progress your child is making.
“It’s so cool to see you taking on such a challenging thing. I love how curious you are!”
“I know that was a tough loss, and you still shook your sister’s hand. You dug in deep there.”
“You’ve worked really hard on your spelling today. You went over all the words three times.”
“It’s so frustrating when the homework is tricky. I admire that you’re sticking with it. And trying a different approach is a smart move.”
“Your teacher told me how you’ve really been listening to her in class and trying all sorts of ways to improve your writing.”
Our Intelligence Quotient clearly influences our academic outcomes but so too does our Emotional Quotient. At home, we can cultivate our child’s ability to recognise, understand and manage their feelings and the feelings of others in a positive and appropriate way. This has multiple benefits for everyone, in the classroom and at home!
It means that when kids get upset, frustrated, annoyed or feel let down or confused or overwhelmed at school, they are better able to handle these difficult moments – they are less likely to act out and get into trouble, and they are more likely to return to an attentive state and continue learning. They’re also more likely to form positive and stable friendships and this has a huge effect on how much kids enjoy school. Being involved in endless friendship fracas is exhausting and distracting. Being able to find and keep good friends helps in so many ways throughout your life!
We start developing our child’s emotional intelligence by using our emotional intelligence on their behalf. We look through the behaviour and identify the feeling driving it. We might say “You looked so disappointed when you weren’t picked for the team” or “You really wish you could be in the same maths set as Sam” or “School lunches aren’t your favourite. You worry when you’re not sure whether you’ll like something or not” or “Maybe you felt very alone when the other girls didn’t invite you to join in the skipping at playtime.”
Two things often worry parents about this approach – that if we openly address difficult feelings (fear, worry, loneliness, hopelessness) we will make these feelings worse; and if we approach the feeling, we’re condoning any associated behaviour (swearing, lying, shouting). This approach does not mean we’re condoning any negative behaviour. It absolutely doesn’t work like that, and we can’t wait to tell you more!
Children are wired to observe and then copy the behaviours they see around them. They’re also wired to find self-determination and become capable of taking care of themselves. Our job is not to get in their way! Of course we need to keep them safe and it’s fine to offer support and advice too. As far as possible, this needs to be on their terms.
Rather than:
“No, not like that, like this ….”
“Don’t do it that way, let me show you!”
Instead say:
“That’s an interesting way to try this, how’s it working?”
“Mmm, that looks tricky, what do you think might work? Let me know if you would like an idea from me”.
It is frustrating because we are so much quicker, neater, safer and, well, just better at doing pretty much everything. But how did this happen? Every child needs the opportunity to take responsibility and control.
“I really didn’t want to hand over any control to my sons about homework. It was a battle every evening and, to be honest, I didn’t trust them to do anything without me nagging. I was so wrong. I set two rules – that homework needed to be done before the evening meal, and that I would sign it off as a reasonable standard. My sons could choose where they did homework, and they could play or have a snack first if that felt right for them. The arguments stopped. Ironically, the change was harder for me than for them!”
There’s a period of time when kids ask lots of questions – why, why, why – as they try to gather information about how the world works. And we give the best answers we can! At the same time, it’s really powerful to turn the tables back to them and say “That’s a great question, do you have any ideas/thoughts about this?”. Similarly, when a new situation or challenge is on the horizon, before we download a list of well-meaning dos and don’ts, start by finding out what our child already knows – or doesn’t know! We might say “Yup, getting changed for games is going to be different when …. Which bit do you think might be tricky? What might help?”
Carol Dweck’s work on Growth Mindset started with observing young children’s responses to failure and mistakes. Sure, they got upset and frustrated, but they didn’t personalise or internalise things. In fact, they had remarkable powers of persistence …. Their attitudes only shifted when they recognised that other people weren’t happy when things went wrong.
Making mistakes and dealing with the consequences is a huge part of learning. Forgetting to bring your homework, or complete an assignment, or losing your trainers, or not revising well enough …. It’s probably the hardest bit of parenting when our kids mess up. We’re so emotionally caught up, it’s hard to stay rational and supportive. We want to vent, blame, and rescue all at the same time! But staying rational and supportive is exactly what our kids need us to do. This way, they learn how to put things right, and they don’t develop a fear of trying or challenging themselves.
Every parent does what they believe is best for their children, and most of us have an opinion on what the ‘best’ is, particularly in terms of education. We may want our child to have a similar or different experience to our own school years. We may feel particularly strongly about a certain ‘type’ of school – private or state, day or boarding, co-ed or single-sex, academically intense or more rounded.
That is a valid starting point, but our child’s experience at school is not about us, it’s all about our child. Square pegs don’t flourish in round holes, no matter where the school sits in the league tables, how much support and encouragement they receive or how well their sibling is doing at the same school.
“The parenting course I took with Ann helped me understand and love my son for himself, and this motivated us to move him to a different school where he felt more ‘normal’ with his dyslexia. His belief in his abilities grew and grew, and he aced his A Levels and is thriving at university.” Mum on 6-week positive parenting course
There are so many ways parents can encourage and support their children at home, which mean the kids are able to maximise their potential at school.
And, of course, the start of another academic year is a great time to encourage the kids into better habits, and maybe ourselves too!