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Why does a child’s behaviour change when they move from the classroom to the home?

We often hear from parents that their child behaves reasonably well at school, and yet at home their child’s regular low-level — and some high-level — misbehaviour leaves them feeling overwhelmed and ill-equipped to effectively manage.

We often hear from teachers that they are often asked by parents for advice about how to get their children to do their homework, get off their smartphone, go to bed, and more.

Let’s explore this discrepancy further ….

There are several aspects of classroom management that maximise the potential for a child to behave well, which are often overlooked at home.

Teachers are trained in behavioural management. They are usually keen for further training in this, and our new staff INSETS are proving popular in this regard. Even with training, managing misbehaviour is still stressful for teachers!

Teachers have a clear, publicised and approved behaviour policy to follow, which most of the children (and hopefully most of the parents!) are aware of. There are still some gray areas, but on the whole it’s laid out in black and white.

At home, parents are usually making policy up as they go along. And it’s not unusual for one parent to tell us that they have different attitudes towards ‘discipline’ than their co-parent. Often one parent is more authoritarian, preferring a ‘my way or the highway’ stance, which is usually because their parents took a similar approach with them as a child. The other parent is, by comparison, more permissive, preferring a let-it-go approach, sometimes because of their childhood experience, but some adopt this approach in response to their co-parent’s perceived harsher stance.

And now it starts to get really complicated for the family …..

When parents are pulling in different directions, kids are wired to exploit the situation. It’s not mean or personal, it’s a built-in safety mechanism. They want to know where the edges are. If the edges are unclear, or keep shifting, they keep searching.

And this search creates more tension and further misbehaviour in the home …..

Another classroom advantage is that children are with their peers and, mostly, prefer to move with the herd when they can. There are always a few outliers of course, but the majority of kids observe and copy the behaviour of those around them.

At home, the sibling effect outweighs the desire to copy peer behaviour. Most brothers and sisters are of different ages and temperaments. They don’t always like each other that much and may actively want to be very different to each other! So, if one child is typically well-behaved, their sibling may consciously (or unconsciously) decide to be typically not-so-well-behaved in order to have a separate identity.

What else isn’t helping parents in the challenging behaviour moments?

There’s a time-of-day influence. Parents do most of their parenting at the trickiest times of day – first thing and last thing. Kids are tired, hungry, grumpy …. In the evening particularly they’ve almost always used their entire ‘good behaviour’ capacity in the classroom over the last 8 hours!

And there’s the emotional attachment.

Teachers care deeply for their pupils, and want the best for them. It’s not as visceral as parental love and the deep desire to keep everyone happy and safe at home – and to be loved in return. To upset or infuriate your child feels wrong, particularly after a busy day outside the home, so many parents avoid it at all costs. On the other hand, external pressures can mean parents ‘lose’ it in the privacy of their home in ways teachers can never allow.

The emotional attachment works both ways. Many children love their teachers and really want to please them. But the attachment to their primary-caregivers is really deep. This can be a great opportunity for positive behaviour! When parents offer plenty of regular, repeated and realistic positive feedback, the children seek further opportunities to get more approval and acknowledgement from their parents. When the child doesn’t feel they’re getting enough attention in a positive way, their desire to be front and centre of their parent pushes them to get whatever attention is available. And negative behaviour is easy and is almost guaranteed to get that boost of attention they crave!

The emotional attachment between parent and child has another potentially negative effect on behaviour at home.

The ideal situation is that children feel so safe with their parents that they are comfortable letting their big feelings – of rage, jealousy, frustration, unfairness and powerless - out at home. As parents, may not feel like a positive in the moment, although it becomes easier when we know how to respond effectively to these big feelings.

This explains another irritating situation for parents – their children behave well enough at school, and behave well enough at home for grandparents, the au pair or nanny, but they reserve the big moments just for Mum and Dad …..

Finally, there’s the whole authority figure issue. In many ways, it’s a good thing we’ve moved on from parents as scary figures to be obeyed at all costs. Children benefit hugely from having close and loving relationships with their parents. But it’s not easy getting the balance right. Teachers are presented to children as authority figures, and kids are happy to take this on board. Again, there’s always a few who aren’t so keen on the idea!

But, as parents have swung towards a more friendly approachable relationship with their child, the authority figure aspect has diminished. We hear regularly from parents how they never spoke to their parents or behaved in the way their kids speak to or behave with them! And it’s often down to that confusion for the parent between trying to be kind, understanding and approachable, whilst also setting firm expectations on behaviour and holding their children to account.

What can parents learn about handling misbehaviour from the approach teachers take in the classroom?

  1. Agree a united approach to managing misbehaviour – through regular and collaborative conversations.
  1. Learn ways to be authoritative – in words, body language, tone of voice and gestures. Parents are often so skilled at this in their workplace, and surprised by how effective it is at home!
  1. Set clear (and agree about) reasonable rules for behaviour – supported by plenty of positive acknowledgement or privileges for positive behaviour, so the negative consequence is the lack of acknowledgement and privileges.

And, finally, two tips we offer every parent, which apply to teachers too!

Self-care is vital – raising kids, at home or in school, is a really tough and important (and sometimes joyfully rewarding!) job, and it’s super-hard when we’re run down ….

Focus on progress rather than perfection – aim high, for sure, but be reasonable about day-to-day expectations. Some days don’t go so well, but plenty of other days go really well, so good enough is often good enough!