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Do you want your child to be more or less brat?

For those of us of a certain age, the answer is probably a very strong no!

Until recently, a ‘brat’ meant an ill-mannered and annoying, probably spoiled and selfish, child. Pretty much the antithesis of what we’re aiming for as parents.

This week, the word ‘brat’ received a new official definition from Collins Dictionary as someone “having a confident, independent and hedonistic attitude”. Charli XCX, the singer who initiated this definition describes a brat as someone who is “honest, blunt and a little bit volatile.”

This is worth taking a few minutes to consider ….

Confidence – as in a healthy belief in one’s self and abilities as a valid and worthwhile individual – gets our vote at The Parent Team.

Independence gets a thumbs up from us too – taking this to mean being self-reliant, emotionally, socially and physically. And maybe even financially!

But hedonistic?

A desire to enjoy yourself seems a welcome antidote to stories about young people being pressurised, anxious and concerned about themselves, the world, and the future. Experiencing pleasure is a key driver for all of us. We need a level of pleasure in order to thrive.

Hedonism takes it to another level with a belief that enjoying yourself is the most important thing in life. What about all the other values we hope to pass on to our kids – like caring for others, working hard, or contributing to society – that are not always enjoyable things to do in the moment?

Next, what about honesty?

In our sessions with parents, honesty is a hot topic. At face value, we want our kids to tell the truth. When we dig deeper, we realise there are some very useful ‘mistruths’ that we want our kids to recognise and manage appropriately. That’s things like “thank you so much for the lovely jumper, it’s a great colour, and I really love the buttons” when actually you hope you never have to wear it!

Let’s take blunt ….

I’m pretty sure Charli doesn’t mean not having a sharp edge or point or being dull or obtuse. I’m sure she’s in the forthright, candid and straightforward camp of blunt.

This takes me towards being assertive. Feeling comfortable speaking your mind or expressing your opinion, standing up for your views, and challenging people or issues that conflict with your firmly-held beliefs and standards, is something we do want our kids to be able to do, in a way that also respects someone else’s different view and feelings.

And finally volatile ….

Being unstable, explosive and inflammatory isn’t good anywhere for anyone, unless in a chemistry lab under supervision!

The reality is we’re all at risk of erupting unexpectedly at times. And it’s good that kids learn that this is OK, as long as we also try hard to recognise the early warning signs, and take alternative steps to manage our explosion in ways that don’t hurt ourselves or others.

I wonder whether there’s an idea in ‘volatile’ about spontaneity …. Taking others or ourselves by surprise from time to time, doing something different just for the sake of it – and experiencing a moment of pure joy. That’s not such a bad thing, surely?

So maybe a bit brat is the way forward.

Helping children develop confidence and independence, learn how and when to be honest or blunt, or volatile, and helping them work out how to get the level of pleasure in their lives right, takes time and insight, from a trusted and loving parent, family member or carer.

It means:

  • we let kids do things for themselves, even though we can see their way of doing things isn’t going to work
  • we acknowledge their effort and express pride in their progress, even when the outcome isn’t what they hoped for
  • we encourage them to have fun, in their own way, on a regular basis as a counter-point to all the things they have to do that don’t give them much pleasure
  • we make sure we have regular conversations with our kids about our values – including the complexities of honesty
  • we show them how to be assertive, without putting other people down, with the way we speak to them and others
  • we allow our child to express their feelings and desires
  • we accept they may need or want to break out from time to time and do something new or different
  • Here's a thought …. Why not talk to your children about their definition of the different aspects of ‘brat’? The dictionary definition is too basic. Let’s introduce some nuance and put the best bits of ‘brat’ into action at home!