Another year, another parenting approach with a catchy title.... FAFO parenting has been going viral on social media for a few months. If you've not caught up, it stands for F*** around and Find Out, and is seen as a push-back against 'gentle' parenting which is all about leaning into your child's emotions. Gentle parenting was a response away from punitive approaches using naughty-steps and the like.
Let's imagine that a child refuses to do their homework, gets super-agitated, and demands to watch You Tube. The 'gentle' approach allows the child to vent and then probably choose what they feel is best for them in the situation, almost inevitably watching You Tube. The FAFO approach seems to be more along the lines of 'sure, you do that and see how it works out’. So the child doesn't do their homework, watches You Tube, and their teacher takes whatever action fits the school's behaviour or homework policy.
Another example might be a child refuses to eat the food provided, because they don’t like it. The 'gentle' response is to apologise that it's not what they wanted, and ask what they would like instead. The FAFO response is to clear the food into the bin, and move on to the next activity - with no snacks available.
What would you do? What have you done in these or similar situations? Do you rush back to school with forgotten violins or trainers? Do you spend a lot of time wrangling your child into a coat?
We're keen advocates of 'authoritative parenting' which is the perfect balance of paying attention to how our child feels, and responding to those feelings, and also setting firm limits on behaviour, with a focus on encouraging positive behaviour and allowing our child to learn from the mistakes they make.
And psychologists are in agreement that both 'gentle' and FAFO parenting are unbalanced.
Interestingly, it is not so much to do with our actions or choices being 'right' or 'wrong', it's about how our child experiences these moments and what they learn from them.
Maybe they learn that they can have anything they want, and that their feelings trump whatever else is happening around them. Maybe they learn that they can want something (or not want it) and survive not getting it (or having to do it).
Maybe they learn that their choice to stay up late, not eat the food provided for them, watch cat videos rather than complete a homework assignment makes them happy in the moment, but doesn’t work out so well the next day....
Maybe they learn that their parent doesn't really care what they do or what happens to them, or they learn that we're entwined in their happiness and fearful of their upset.....
Let's pick out the best of both approaches!
Gentle parenting
It's really important to be responsive to how our child feels. This is how we create secure attachment and teach them emotional awareness which is vital for their mental health. But we also need to help our children learn how to tolerate and and manage their feelings appropriately - for their own good, and the good of others. And what about our feelings? One of the criticisms of 'gentle' parenting is that parents are exhausted because their emotional needs are completely disregarded by their child. That's not going to work for the parent/child relationship, or for the child's future relationships with others.
FAFO parenting
We need to let kids make mistakes. We can't keep protecting and covering up for them because that's not how they learn. Our kids need to practice choosing the best option for them (and perhaps for others) and then motivate themselves to do it. When they get it wrong, they need to develop the strength of character to take responsibility, make amends and do something better next time around. But children don’t learn to do this without feeling we’re right there by their side.
Dr Emma Svanberg, psychologist and author of “Parenting for Humans”, sums it up:
“What many people have practised under the guise of ‘gentle parenting’ is actually high-intensity, child-centred, permissive parenting with very little attention to adult limits, power or context.... Many parents have found this incredibly overwhelming because when children don’t have clear boundaries or expectations placed on them, and parents are stressed to the max because of lack of support, children tend to escalate. Fafo pushes back against the idea that parents must prevent all discomfort or distress. The risk is that it swings the pendulum from over-involvement to under-responsiveness, and even punitive withdrawal.”
Children need to learn from natural consequences whenever it’s safe enough for this to happen. We don’t want our kids to get hurt, or be humiliated. But we can let them forget things, even break things, fall over, get wet and wake up hungry.
Yes, there are red-lines such as wearing seat-belts, dental hygiene and so much more. We need to stick firm on these and open up other areas so our children can learn from natural consequences, with us there to help them. It will make them healthier, wiser, more resilient and happier adults!
If you want ideas about how to hit the sweet spot of authoritative parenting, drop us a line at hello@theparent.team