We all want our kids to be safe and happy. But what will make them safe and happy? What skills or beliefs will help them thrive in 2025?
The answer is resilience—the ability to encounter adversity, trauma and stress, and come through stronger.
Some kids seem to be naturally highly persistent and determined to push through, but most snap, crackle and pop under pressure and are all too often swept away with huge feelings of frustration, upset and disappointment. This is because a child’s emotional brain (Limbic System) is so much stronger than their thinking brain (Pre Frontal Cortex) which offers perspective and logic. Some kids adopt coping strategies such as avoidance or refusing to try or engage which minimises the risk of those horrible feelings associated with defeat and disappointment.
And parents adopt coping strategies too …. In order to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that arise in us when our child feels thwarted or is struggling, we are driven to make them as happy as possible as soon as possible. And we seek ways to reduce the chances of this discomfort happening again. This is our emotional brain taking the reins!
Let’s use our thinking brain to work out what we need to offer our children so they will build resilience over time.
Accept that childhood is hard work
Our kids’ lives may seem simple from our grown-up perspective. But most of us clearly remember difficulties, setbacks and challenges in our younger years. I remember having to start school twice, with family upheaval and a major relocation in between. What about all those times we weren’t chosen to do something we really wanted to do? Or someone said something unkind and hurtful, and we felt betrayed and alone amidst our so-called friends? And today there are so many uncertainties in the world …..
We must not dismiss our child’s worries and problems. If we do this, we’re sending a sub-message that their instinct to worry is wrong. This erodes their trust in themselves, which reduces their resilience going forward.
Support them through their difficult feelings
Emotional intelligence - the ability to recognise, accept and appropriately manage difficult and negative emotions - is key to resilience.
Even adults find this hard to do at times! And kids find it really hard, given the higher intensity of their emotions, and their lack of experience and practice.
So, just like we walk alongside them as they learn to walk, scoot or ride a bike, we walk alongside them as they learn to tolerate discomfort, frustration, upset and worries.
When we see our child struggling, we need to offer empathy and understanding. The wave of emotion often takes some time to start to subside, and only then can we gently nudge them into problem-solving mode.
Strengthen their ability to delay gratification and manage impulses
A significant part of resilience is being able to be patient and wait for the good bits that will come later. Perhaps this was easier in days gone by. Today, children live in a world where most things are instantly available within seconds, at all hours of the day (or night) at the click of a button!
There are many opportunities in daily life for kids to practice not getting what they want in the moment, whether that’s watching a special TV programme once a week, rather than binging on iPlayer or You Tube, making bread and waiting for the dough to rise, planting seeds to water before harvesting and, of course, traditional board games.
And, as parents, we have to say no, as appropriate, rather than accommodate their every request or whim! It’s a whole lot easier to have lots of little frustrations to work your way through in your earlier years than one great big frustration later on.
Build belief in their competence and encourage autonomy
In ‘Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 ways to stop the worry cycle and raise courageous & independent children, psychotherapist Lynn Lyons says when resilient kids find themselves in a tricky situation, they ‘have a sense they can figure out what they need to do and believe they can handle what is thrown at them’.
And parents play a fundamental role at home in helping kids develop confidence in their abilities, by paying plenty of positive attention to their effort and progress and offering them plenty of age-appropriate opportunities to do things independently and make their own choices about things that affect them.
Show them that effort and mistakes are an integral and valuable part of the journey
We love the Japanese concept of kintsugi which is a belief that an object has beauty through its imperfections, which are demonstrated by the gold joinery in broken china and celebrated rather than hidden.
We need our kids to know that finding things hard – not being able to do something you really want to do, or something happening that stops you being able to do something you really want to do – is normal and natural and important. Making mistakes as we try to work things out is a valid part of learning.
Resilient children are less afraid of making mistakes and more prepared to take risks – because they can cope with getting it wrong. We need to be honest with our kids and tell them we don’t always know the answers or the right way to behave, but we can always make the best choices we can in the moment and bounce back if things don’t turn out the way we hoped. This is how we show children that mistakes are effective (if uncomfortable!) ways to learn and part of what makes us human.
Parents can model this approach by talking about our own struggle and errors, as appropriate. And we have many opportunities to demonstrate a positive attitude in the way we respond when our child struggles and messes up.
We can empathise, rather than tell them it doesn’t matter or tell them off! The next step is to get them into problem-fixing mode. Lynn Lyons says we need to ask ‘how’ rather than ‘why’ in these situations. So rather than “why did this happen or why did you do this” we say, “how are you going to sort this out”.
Children can always ask for advice and help, but we let them lead the problem-solving as much as possible.
Prioritise physical health
Physical exercise, a healthy diet and a good sleep routine supports resilience.
Exercise releases cortisol and adrenaline (the same hormones that are released when we’re stressed). Exercising regularly strengthens a child’s stress-response system meaning they become more accustomed to moving from a stressed-state to a more relaxed state.
Sleep deprivation reduces the capacity of the Pre-Frontal Cortex so reduces a child’s capacity for reason, memory, and long-term thinking and memory.
Challenge negative beliefs
Kids with low levels of resilience tend to have negative or unhelpful ways of interpreting situations and thinking.
If your child catastrophises, generalises, takes a binary view, or makes negative assumptions, you can gently challenge this way of thinking. It’s important we don’t make them feel wrong, so be curious rather than judgemental. It’s about giving them the chance to see that a more hopeful and positive view or position is equally valid.
If you want to find out more about raising resilient kids, please join us on Wednesday 22nd January at 7:30pm for a FREE 45-minute online workshop and get off to the best possible start in 2025!